Learning Outcomes, Fancy Dancing, and Curious George

So the Rugby World Cup is under way, and after some woeful PA work and a weird little moment between a stomach-achingly cute child and Jonah Lomu in full pimp suit, The All Blacks began the start of their doomed campaign to win a World Cup after a 24 year wait. Tongan turned up in all their fancy-haired splendor with the sole intention of  shoulder-charging their way around the field showing off their massive bad-ass tattoos.

These are just the cheerleaders...

 The rest of the Rugby World was glued to the screen, hoping and praying to see THIS happen to one Daniel William Carter. Only with the bonus features of broken fibulas and tibias all over the chip shop.


Unfortunately, the closest came in the second half, after a quite wonderful hospital pass by one of the interchangeable Franks brothers. The world held its breath as a something that looked vaguely human descended on Carter, but the slippery little weasel soon dusted himself down and orchestrated New Zealand to a 41-10 win over a Tongan side who will leave Eden Park having given a solid account for themselves. .

Choke-o-meter rating of 10

The manner of the victory, however, is unlikely to reduce the pressure on the All Blacks. The ubiquitous Choke-O-Meters, which are infecting every single rugby-related article in every sodding newspaper around the world, will not swing back towards "Breathing Easily" any time soon. In fact, given the NZ Herald, a newspaper so spectacularly critical that instead of the hilarious scale of "4 inch Chubby" all the way to "Debbie Does Dallas" (I'm not putting in a hyperlink, lets be serious here) on the Choke scale, they have gone for a a hangman's noose as the most extreme point on the Choke-O-Meter. 


Add this to the fact that coach Graham Henry was recently named 6th on their list on Public Enemies, and you have a climate of "win or die" only matched by some of these mental stories of parental expectation. Once again, they go into the tournament as the number one side in the world, and heads will certainly roll if they don't come back with the ultimate prize. Look at what happened last time for Christ's sake....

I feel sorry for these blokes. Players shouldn't have to say things like "I let my nation down", unless you do something like sell missile secrets to the Taliban, conduct yourself like an mob of English tourists in the middle of Amsterdam. To be honest though, I quite enjoyed Doug Howlett's apology... Its even better if you imagine he is saying sorry for the 2007 Quarter Final and not for a drunken, car-smashing night of awesomeness.


You would have thought that beating Tonga by 31 points would be enough for the opening game of a nervy campaign. After all, England started their 2007 tournament with a humiliating loss to South Africa and a very real fear of going out in the group stages. And we know how that one turned out.


Oh and while we are on the subject. Yes, I feel sorry for the All Blacks who felt like they had to apologize to a load of sofa-bound, crisp-munching tossers who hadn't lifted one finger to help the cause in 2007. But if you are going to whinge about Wayne Barnes and a forward pass, please bear this in mind.

I know you read this blog, Graham, so in the interests of you not being hung, drawn, quartered and being laid out on show in the middle of Auckland. here are some things you might need to work on; 


1. All Black kicking from hand was woeful and the chase was arguably even worse. You put ball down the throat of someone who plays for Nottingham in the Championship, that's one thing. 

You put that sort of ball into the hands of Habana, Medard, and even guitar-bothering Ben Foden, and don't even bother running after it,  then you are going to end up with egg all over your face. Major culprits were Israel Dagg and, surprisingly, The Boy Wonder himself. 


2. The Tongans pretty much had a scrum, and not a whole lot else. But they held their ground, deserved a penalty try for their efforts, and sent a clear message to the rest of the top-level nations. The All-Blacks are weak at the coal-face.

"Why do the scrums keep collapsing?!"

 In the 8 minute farce, the responsibility of which lies directly on the head of George Clancy, the All Blacks couldn't cope with the power from the Tongan front row and the Brothers Franks did their best puppy-dog eyes impressions and somehow got away with pulling a scrum down time after time because they couldn't cope with the shove. After their balls-out destruction of the Scottish scrum in the Six Nations, the French will be clinking their vino glasses and rubbing their hands together in stereotypical Gallic glee. Even England, who given their track record of opening game disaster, are likely to play the AB's in the Quarters, wouldn't loss sleep over their performance in the tight. 




3. Stop fucking cheating! I saw you! Yes, you! Diving on the ball, lying on the wrong side and generally playing the game like the love child of  Roy Keane and Hansie Cronje. Little George wasn't going to ping you up on it, it being such a special day for you and all. But seriously, you will have to stop at some point. The next time Christophe Berdos takes charge, I can imagine a slightly different outcome!


So there you have it. A three-point guide to instant World Cup success.


Now, I will be missing the England v Argentina game tomorrow as I am spending 6 hours on a coach down to London Town in order to catch whatever is left of the free stuff going around. I expect nobody to contact me with the scores and I shall try and spend my days performing a bad remake of The Likely Lads until I can get to a TV and watch the highlights. I will keep you posted on how that goes. 


Kia Ora!

Something Quite Remarkable.

I did this once, but there was nobody around to see...

The Dark Side, Big-Scary Men and the Nazis

My original title for this blog was "Embracing The Dark Side, Nazis and Big-Big Men."  While I'm sure it would prove to be a sensationally successful headline, I was slightly afraid of what sort of demographic I would be attracting to these hallowed pages.


Well reader(s), it has been quite a while. As much as I could blame that on getting a job with which I was clocking 84 painful hours a week and the end of the regular rugby season, that would be lies. A mixture of inherent laziness and StumbleUpon have combined to reduce my intelligent output catastrophically. On the plus side, I now know more about Boeing aircraft than I did two months ago, and probably more than anyone who doesn't work for Boeing probably should.


So, you happy few, here is my latest blog on the world of the oval ball.


Unfortunately, the Gods of up on high have decreed that as punishment for my continual refusal to accept that Rugby League is more interesting than slapping two pieces of gammon together for 80 minutes, I must endure two weeks of work placement at Super League high-flyers Warrington Wolves. I say endure...I was desperate and they rescued me, so all credit to the kind souls.


However, I have had to learn a lot about the game in a short space of time, especially considering a man capable of this is technically my colleague.


Having attended a training session and watched the Wolves in action, I have come to two conclusions;

Hard men wear primrose

1. To succeed in Rugby League, you don't need to be the biggest, or the strongest, or the fastest. You have to be all three at once, and have the same cavalier attitude to 'doing things by the book' as the disaffected son of John Rambo and Dirty Harry.


2. Michael Monaghan is class.


Now, I don't claim to be an authority. I also realise that I am a Johnny-Come-Lately to the whole RL thing. But I have never seen one man command a game of touch and pass like that the Australian hooker. Everything ran through him, his distribution and vision were spot on, and he pulled off one of the most outrageous behind-the-back flicks I have seen. 


This weekend sees the Wolves taking on Wakefield. Now, Super League is known for its surprises, but it appears to be foolish to expect the Wildcats to do anything other than lose, and lose heavily.


However, I have found myself embroiled in continual and increasingly violent arguments over the respective merits of the two codes. My beloved Union is mentioned in the same breath as various oppressive dictatorships, evil-overlords and the price of fuel. The sins of Union appear to be three-fold; 

  

Good at being evil,
rubbish at drop-goals

1. It is too slow 


2. It is exclusively played by posh, toffee-nosed wankers.


3. The Nazis loved it.




The counter-argument, of course, is that Rugby League is a simple-game for simple people, and is less of a sport and more of an excuse to put on eye-wateringly tight shorts for a car-park style brawl. Both sides have significant validity to the claim. 

Rugby League suffers from a significant lack of national profile, and despite its claim to be Sky's second most watched sport, it still doesn't receive the coverage it craves. Much scratching of heads and stroking of beards appears to have achieved very little and although Sky Sports are continuing to pump money into the Engage Super League, the lack of interest from beyond the heartland is worrying.

Hull

But why? It is a faster, simpler game and it played in the summer months which mean that you don't have to suffer going to Hull in the middle of January.


Perhaps we are coming at the whole problem from the wrong way. The national media is blamed for not taking an interest in Rugby League, but at the same time, Rugby League seems to pride itself on being the stereotypical Fred Dibnah. The answer might be to engage the regional and national media pro-actively. Seek them out, provide them with content and they in turn will seek to promote you. Journalists are inherently lazy, and regional news services will accept almost any story as long as the leg work is done for them. 


Super League clubs - get a camera, get a half-decent computer, get a local student who will do it all for buttons and send what you film over to whichever smoke-filled dungeon the local BBC newsdesk is located in.


Promote yourselves as the most accessible, media-friendly sport on the market. Journalists spend their lives fighting with press-officers for access to football players and staff and often get very little in return for the slavish promotional work that classes as 'reporting on a press conference'. If you want to get a story out, spoon feed it to a broadcaster. Tell them they can interview players, coaches, back-room staff. Give them content, and they will love you. 


And finally, how many times a week does someone use the phrase "overpaid footballers"? [insert "if I had a penny..." joke here] 


You don't get prima-donnas in Rugby League. You get blokes from Hull who like the gym and going to the pub. Chris Ashton got on tv, chatted away like a northerner and has become a cult hero. And although Jamie Peacock may sound like he plays in the sand-pit while the other children do algebra, they aren't as thick as you might want to believe. 

It takes a little bit more work, but if you want to take Rugby League out of the pits then it is much needed. There is a great product out there, but maybe it just needs a bit more of an aggressive push for it to be picked up by the mainstream media and bring new fans in from beyond the traditional bases. 


Oh, and if you live in Warrington, stop reading this immediately. Go out, get down to the Halliwell Jones Stadium, and nip into the Tesco across the car-park. Go inside. Thornton's chocolates are on special at the moment. Buy them all, walk over to the main reception and hand them into the front desk. Its the least you can do. They are good people and they deserve your thanks. 


Without them, you would have to support Widnes.... and nobody deserves that. 


Dankjewel!

Cueto being naughty, Anti-Semitism and Rugby at the Reebok

Well, well, well... You go off the boil for a couple of days and it all kicks off like an Indian Parliament....


Mark Cueto has been busy getting himself into hot water with his eye-rubbing against Northampton Saints Christian Day. The Sale man has since been sentenced to nine weeks on the naughty step, prompting quite the fervor amongst rugby fans.

Cueto has been saved from a longer ban for two main reasons. The first is a remarkable example of the 'rugby fraternity' in action with Christian Day simultaneously helping out the England winger, and helping himself to a lifetime of goodwill from his fellow players.


For a fascinating insight into how the citing process in rugby works, and the attitudes displayed by various officials; take a look at the full transcript published by RugbyWorld.


Nine weeks, however, pales to insignificance against the LIFE BAN for punching the ref recently dished out to a player from New Zealand.

Part-tine funnyman and purveyor of irritating lad-anthems David Baddiel has been on a mission to kick out the use of Anti-Semitic slurs by some football fans. The word 'Yid' is a slur against Jews and while Tottenham Hotspur fans have long embraced it to deflect against the gas-chamber hissing and Sieg Hiel abuse thrown at the club with strong Jewish traditions.


Ledley King, Frank Lampard and Gary Lineker all feature in "The Y Word" short film put together by David and Ivor Baddiel. All the boxes are ticked, with players from Spurs, Chelsea and Arsenal all featuring to show solidarity despite the rivalry.


Since the release of the video, all football clubs have outdone themselves to try to earn themselves as many morality points as possible, which if it prevents examples of the chanting in the video, can only be a good thing.


The most controversial element of the video is the call for Spurs fans to also reject the use of 'Yid' and treat it as a racial slur. 'Yid Army' is a tag that Tottenham fans have long held dear and it would be surprising to see it disappear quickly from the stands of White Hart Lane. On the plus side, given the standing he has at the club, Spurs fans are liable to follow Ledley King's every word.

Sale Sharks take on London Irish at Bolton's fancy-pants Reebok stadium this weekend. Given the success of last years fixture which saw England take on Argentina at Old Trafford, one would suspect that the North has finally thrown off the shackles of its greyhound-and-gravy induced depression and is ready to embrace a carnival of rugby. Only they really aren't.


As any rugby fan will attest to, when England play; every part -time rugby watcher ,who once bought a shirt back when it was flavour of the month in late 2003 and has kept it in the cupboard save for those few glorious weeks in February ever since, comes out of the woodwork when the national team runs out. Sale, missing the gleam of the star names that once used to draw the crowds, are struggling with league form and attendances. The "Big Game" between them and arch-rivals (?!) London Irish may have been a good idea back when it was conceived, but neither Sale nor Irish quite have the same draw of old. 


Having said that, there will be some stars on display. Charlie Hodgson is a world-class player and has been vital to Sale's survival this season. Number 8 and resident eating machine Koyamaibole is a giant of a man, weighing in at the 'touring bus' class, and is surprisingly pacey for a man who looks far more like a lounge singer from a South Sea jazz club than a professional athlete. 

Looks like the Last Mohican. Can run fast

Irish have the more exciting backline with Armitage, Ojo and Mapusua able to pull metaphorical rabbits out of metaphorical hats, and they will look to put pressure on the less-experienced Sale backs who are missing Cueto (obviously) and Ben Cohen. Tony Soprano-alike Alex Corbisiero is back in the starting line-up after a cheeky little holiday and will be hoping to maintain the form that he has already shown this season.


Prediction


Sale 7 - 21 London Irish


This will definitely be wrong. 

Become A Millionaire (Warning - Industrial Language)

Winning the race was neigh-bother for Ballabriggs....(you're fired. - ed) 

Like a youthful couple in the sparkling beginnings of romance, sport and gambling have long walked together in blissful harmony. Well, perhaps that isn't entirely true...but even so, we are all aware that there can be a tidy bob to be made from putting a cheeky flutter on a sporting event. 


So, given that anyone who put their hand in the lucky dip and came out with Ballabriggs last weekend now believes that they are some sort of Nostradamus of Suburbia, I thought it would be best to ride that wave of optimism and introduce a new and regular feature to Poorly Written Sports. 


The Tipster


Much in the same way that the bloke in the mask who reveals magicians tricks on daytime television is mercilessly hunted by David Copperfield, the Tipster is a wanted man in 15 countries for his Robin-Hood style attacks on bookmakers and gambling dens. In the dead of night, he sits at his desk using complex algorithms to produce flawless tips for YOU, the amateur, to rush into your nearest bookmaker and rob them blind. 

Take it away....


Profit from Rory’s calamity and Murray’s potential…



Watching Rory McIlroy’s disastrous last round in the Master’s the other week might have had backers of the Irishman close to tears; however it has left an interesting opportunity for us to profit. 


The Irishman is a 27/5 shot at winning one of the 3 remaining Major’s this year with Bwin, and that seems a fair price for such a class act. After all, we’re talking of a 21 year-old who destroyed the rest of the field for 3 days at Augusta.

"I was this close to winning."

McIlroy’s nightmare on the last day could well have landed him in a great position to win the BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year award. If he were able to win one of the 3 remaining major’s of the season, he would be in with a great chance of winning the prestigious award, and with little other major sporting action this summer for fellow Brits to shine in, he’s good value at the 14/1 Paddy Power are offering, or the 12/1 Betfred have chalked up.




Likewise, Andy Murray is an attractive 7/1 to take the award. This price seems cheap bearing in mind that the same fairytale scenario rings true for the Scot. The last British man to win a Grand Slam was Fred Perry all the way back in 1936! Murray has come close in the past to emulating the feat, and the World Number 4 must now look to 2011 to be the year the wait ends. 

Murray has two tickets to the gun show, but only one to SPOTY...

If Murray were to win any of the 4 major tennis singles events this year (The US Open, the French Open, the Australian Open or Wimbledon) he would be a shoe-in for Sports Personality of the Year. His price for the French is long, as it is on his unfavoured clay surface, but a Wimbledon 7/1 shot, a US Open 7/1 chance, and 11/2 fancy for the Australian Open make the 7/1 on offer for him to take the BBC’s award a good value price. Rather than staking money on Murray to win each of the 4 majors separately at the prices above, stake it on him to win the SPOTY award at 7/1 and have four bites at the proverbial cherry.


Much love, 


The Tipster

Six Nations 2011 Round-Up and Andrea Masi Banter

Yes, I realise it is now a week since the Six Nations has finished. However, given I don't get paid for this and there has been a LOT of good stuff on the television, cut me some slack.

Brian's still got it. Despite the silly face.

In conclusion, England didn't win the Grand Slam, France are yet to sack Lievremont and Wales proved the theory that empty vessels make the most noise. Scotland were neither as good or bad as we had all hoped. And Italy managed to build on their historic victory over France by losing to Scotland. Peaks and troughs, I suppose.


So what have we learnt from the 2011 Six Nations? Here are some learning outcomes from this years tournament.


1. England need Riki Flutey to get fit fast!


While I wish to take nothing away from Mike Tindall, a man so committed to the game that he has cancelled his honeymoon, his skill set is one of a juggernaut rather than one of a graceful magician. After his re-call to the England set up, he has been playing well both for club and country. But he is a simple rugby player, and his lack of sparkle is a problem in a team which lacks real creativity beyond Flood.


Hape is in the team to act as the big-running, soft-handed, creative centre. England's very own Sonny Bill Williams. Problem is, he cant kick, rushes up in defence and tends to go very quiet in important games.


But then again, who else is there? The 33-man Elite Player Squad contains just THREE centres, (Tindall, Flutey and Hape) and looking around the Premiership, there is little real quality bursting through.


Matthew Tait is a much better player than the one taught a lesson by Gavin Henson back in 2006 (lets not forget, he was inches away from winning a World Cup),  but he has hardly shone for Sale this year. Anthony Allen and Brad Barritt are hardly poor players, but can you really imagine them making Ma'a Nonu, Jean de Villiers et al, nervous before a game?


Given the recent rush for teams bringing back players from sepia-tinted days of old (Lehmann to Arsenal, Lewsey to Wasps) perhaps it isn't too late to bring back Will Greenwood? He still gets stuck in....

2. Warren Gatland needs to stop talking. 


Oh Warren. You arrived to such fanfare back in 2007 and you delivered. Another Grand Slam, and Welsh rugby was looking forward to a return to the glory days of the '70s. You were on top of the tree, happily casting your wild and inaccurate opinions about other teams and players with gay abandon. And that was fine while you were winning. As David Haye proved, if you win, you are allowed to be a bit rude.


The problem, Warren, is that now you aren't winning and your team is virtually unrecognizable from the side that made the 2008 tournament such a joy to watch. Moving James Hook to 10 was only a success in that he didn't collapse under the pressure or play like Bergamasco did at scrum-half and Jamie Roberts is making a huge claim for the recall of Gavin Henson.


If you are to stay as Wales coach, pay more attention to your own team. There is some quality in there, but focusing on Dylan Hartley isn't going to win you any friends, or matches.


3. Brian O Driscoll has been sent from the future to save Irish rugby.

"O'Driscoll has 118 test caps, 112 for Ireland (75 as captain), and 6 for the British and Irish Lions.^[2][4] During this time he has scored 44 tries for Ireland and 1 try for the Lions in 2001, making him the highest try scorer of all time in Irish Rugby.^[2][5] He is 8th-highest try scorer in Rugby Union history, and the highest scoring centre of all time. He holds the Six Nations record for most tries scored with 25.^[6][7] He has scored the most Heineken Cup tries (29) for an Irishman. O'Driscoll was chosen as Player of the Tournament in the 2006, 2007 and 2009 RBS Six Nations Championships. 

Cheers Wikipedia, case closed. 

This does present the opportunity to feature this clip, as well. Enjoy; 

4. Scotland are still quite rubbish. 


Yes, they beat Italy. Yes, the scoreline against England did them a couple of favours. And yes, Max Evans and Sean Lamont are pretty good. But Scotland still insist on producing dire, dull, depressing rugby. For years, they have relied on the metronomic boot of Chris Paterson to keep them in matches. This hasn't really changed. For all the pre-tournament bluster, they lack the fundamentals to consistently punish teams. In Max Evans and Sean Lamont, there is hope. And youngster Rudriah Jackson (despite having a name more suited to the Scrabble Board)  is more Gregor Townsend than he is Dan Parks, but the lack of stability in the scrum is severe worry for a country that prides itself on coal-face rugby. 


Their match against Wales was one of the lowest quality games I have seen in a Six Nations. 


On the plus side, Richie Grey is going to be world-class. You heard it here first. (well, you didn't, but it's what everyone else has said so its been replicated here for the look of professionalism.)


5. And the Six Nations Player of the Tournament is......... Andrea Masi? 


Stadio Flaminio against France. But he would probably not be in the top 10 players of this years tournament had it not been for the sneaky sausages at the IRB changing the rules on public voting. 

In the misty days of old, voters cast votes on a selection of players who the organizers thought had stood out from the crowd. Yet, those Luddite ways have been thrown aside for a system where the Man of the Match from each game is automatically nominated, and you must chose from that collection. Anti-English sentiment was always going to deny either Ashton or Flood, but no Richie Grey, no Sergio Parisse, no Willam Servat (or in fact, ANY of the awesome French front row). The fact that he is the first Italian to win the award is refreshing, but to be honest, it's the wrong Italian. As these talking-heads will testify to.

Imagine them at Karaoke after a few bevvies

As all good things must come to an end, so must all convoluted Six Nations blogs.Yet, fear not, oh literary traveler, as this is not the end of the Poorly Written Sports Blog. There will be plenty more to come, so keep a look-out!


I hope you have enjoyed this so far. I will be including more original video content (interview, match highlights and the like) with a mixture of local, national and international sports news. Rugby, of course, is the main sport for this blog, but other sports will make an appearance from time to time. 


Stay Classy. 

Obligatory Six Nations 2011 Dream Team Blog Entry...

As the Six Nations rushes towards its conclusion, with the speed and force of a Tuilagi brother, there are just two games remaining, and it is nice to see the universe slowly returning to normality after the madness of the last few years, in which we saw Scotland score tries and Ireland fail to collapse under the pressure.

England are still on course for their first grand slam title since 2003, Scotland and Italy are fighting like Dickensian orphans over the last remaining scraps of credibility that avoiding the wooden spoon affords, Ireland and Wales return to the mid-table mediocrity from whence they came, and Marc Lievremont appears to base his selection policy on... well... we aren't entirely sure. Perhaps something like this.... Either way, even proper journalists from big papers don't approve.

Lievremont has at his disposal some of the best players in the world, and they certainly have the ability to make some serious waves in the up-coming World Cup. But something in the coaching staff needs to change...

Meanwhile, Wormtongue and  Marc Lievremont
plot to overthrow Hobbiton

Jo Maso and King Theoden of Rohan
discuss tactics

The benefit of hindsight is a marvellous thing, and it is with great relief that this entry comes three games into this Six Nations campaign. My fantasy Six Nations team is currently wallowing deep, deep down the league table as my pre-tournament selections have proved to not live up to expectations. So in the spirit of igniting debate, controversy, or most likely, apathy, here is my selection of the Team of the Six Nations 2011 so far.

1. Thomas Domingo (France) - His performance against Scotland,  where he took Euan Murray and taught him the sort of lesson he won't get down at Sunday school, was key in producing one of the most dominant scrummaging performance seen during a  Six Nations tournament. 
2. Dylan Hartley (England) - Has been the focus of all anti-English sentiment in this Six Nations tournament. The combative hooker has shouldered all the pressure and consistently put in performance after performance. Only keeps William Servat out due to the responsibility on his shoulders.   
3. Nicolas Mas (France) - The man who was born to play prop has been Domingo's partner in crime and his equal. Thankfully for France, Lievremont have been consistent here. 
4. Alastair Kellock (Scotland) - Scotland are as one-track minded as a teenager in a strip club, but in order to play their game they need the set pieces to fire well. Kellock has been majestic in the line-out, helping Scotland to top the statistics for ball won at the line-out. 
5. Tom Palmer (England) - Palmer has had something of a renaissance in the last few months and it has shown in an England team who can now challenge the best in the world. Superb in the line-out, brutally strong in the loose, Palmer has arguably been the power behind the throne in the successes of the England side. 
6. Thierry Dusautoir (France) - Some players are indispensable. France has always been blessed by excellent loose forwards, and Dusautoir could well be the best of the professional era. His tackle count (41 so far) is unbelievable, his work rate phenomenal. One of the most complete players on the planet. 
7. Sam Warburton (Wales) - A rare flicker of hope in the Pandora's box that has been Wale's Six Nations. For a team who talk the talk, it is only Warburton and Lydiate who have walked the walk in the Welsh pack. Martyn who? 
8. Nick Easter (England) - In a tournament that contains Jamie Heaslip, Chabal, Harinordoquy and Mars, the god of War, it may be a surprise to see Nick Easter's name. However, the burly Englishman has been excellent, taking the responsibility of English ball-carrying and making the hard yards look easy. 
9. Ben Youngs (England) - While Morgan Parra is arguably the better overall player, Lievremont has once again starved the talented young man of a consistent run at the No.9 shirt. Youngs hasn't quite showed the form he had in the Autumn, but his partnership with Flood is proving to be rather fruitful. 
10. Toby Flood (England) - The King is dead... Long live the King. The Wilkinson era appears to have finally passed, and Flood is playing quite brilliantly. His kicking game is almost faultless and he glides around the park with gazelle-like pomp. Head and shoulders above the other fly-halves in the tournament. 
11. Chris Ashton (England) - 6 tries, 3 games. The second highest try scorer is Morgan Stoddart with 2. 
12. Max Evans (Scotland) - Unfortunately, there has been something of a dearth of centres in this tournament. Whereas in 2010, Jannick Jauzion oozed class and Rougerie destroyed defenders, 2011 has seen those two fail to sparkle, Roberts and O'Driscoll have been fairly quite and Shontanye Hape is...well...Shontanye Hape. Evans leads the stats for defenders beaten (13) and second for off-loads (7) and his sparkling pace has caused opposition defenders all sorts of problems. 
13. Mike Tindall (England) - The much-criticised player has become the praised stand-in captain. Tindall never takes a backward step and his passion and drive more than make up for his lack of attacking flair. And when you have Ashton on the wing, you could probably play Nellie the Elephant at centre and still score tries. 
14. Mirco Bergamasco (Italy) - Part sympathy, partly justified. Without Parisse and Bergamasco, it is unlikely there would be a Six Nations. Italy would be playing against teams like the Netherlands on pub car-parks instead of the glorious Stadio FlaminioStoddart almost makes it as well. 
15. Ben Foden (England) - Took his crucial try against France brilliantly and has been an absolute certainty under the high ball, despite his small stature. Hasn't quite showed off his excellent running skills, but perhaps the upcoming game against Scotland is his time to shine. 

Who would be in your team?

Do you agree or disagree with these selections?  Feel free to leave comments below! 

Belated Updates And A Tribute To Ben Cohen (No, Seriously...)

England 17- 9 France 


Jonny Wilkinson may no longer be England's first choice 10, but it is doubtful there is another nation that has that ability sat on the bench.

The memory of England out-grafting and out-muscling France is one that is clouded by what can only be described as a truly biblical hangover.And one which afflicted me for the majority of the weekend. It appears that the inevitable decline into old age hits us all. Gone are the heady days of a weekend fuelled only by gin, a 'popular energy drink' and Ginsters pasties.

While this is hardly the most professional approach to maintaining a world-renowned sports blog,  (368 views and counting) it is probably one that most rugby enthusiasts can appreciate.

So, given the news that former England international and British Lion Ben Cohen has been told he is surplus to requirements at Sale Sharks, it seemed only right that this blog looks back on the career of a player who was, for a time, arguably the best winger in the world.

Chris Ashton may be under the spotlight for his extravagant celebrations, but Cohen made swallow-diving look easy all the way back in 2002 and only Rory Underwood and Will Greenwood have scored more tried for England.

His off-field actions, however, have led him to become something of a figure of fun in the eyes of English rugby fans. His petulant departure from Northampton has certainly tarnished his reputation with the vast majority of Saints fans, and his apparent obsession with taking his clothes off, while making my mother very happy, has somewhat distracted from his on-field successes.

Cohen brought a new style of wing-play to English rugby. Where previously, English wingers were fast, small and nimble, Cohen at 6'2 and hovering around 16st was a hulk of a man and capable of destroying players as well as speeding round them.

His England career saw him win a World Cup and Six Nations grand slams. He scored 31 tries in 57 appearances for his country and proved he could score against the best in the world time and again. He was a British and Irish Lion, scored over 100 tries for Northampton Saints, won a Heineken Cup and regularly has his photo taken.

While his career is not necessarily over, it is certainly on the cards. He is the wrong side of 30, and there are probably few clubs who feel he could benefit their team in the long run. He arrived to great fanfare and celebration from the club and while the party line is that they are simply cutting the budget, it is imagined that the loss of a "marquee signing" could hurt the club even more. The Championship ( a very real threat given that Exeter are refusing to play ball by winning matches) is cold, lonely place to be, and Edgeley Park is horrible enough already. The sideways rain and sub-arctic temperatures are barely tolerable when you watching some impressive rugby, they will be considered a war-crime when supporters are made to endure watching Rotherham eke out a 3-0 victory.

Look at the misery...

So Ben... Thanks for the memories, and we wish you the best of luck in your next career move.


Oh, and if you are looking for a club, I am sure Preston Grasshoppers would welcome you with open arms. Drop by anytime.



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Ashton Scores Four as England Destroy Italy

What goes up, as the saying goes, must go down. 


After the staggeringly accurate prediction of England to beat Wales by 7 points gave academic credence to the wild, inane ramblings contained within this blog, England to beat Italy by 15 points has shattered those efforts. 

England 59-13 Italy - given the struggles that England have previously had against the men in blue, this was a consummate performance from a team who must surely now be thinking that anything less than the Six Nations crown will be a disappointment. 


England Player Ratings


15: Ben Foden: 6
Solid under the high-ball, with some nice distribution, but failed to score or make a name for himself when his lighting feet and change of pace could have seen him score. Ghosted round a number of Italian backs on occasion but will be unhappy to not have got a try. 

14: Chris Ashton: 9
What team is going to be able to stop the former rugby league star? His support lines are a thing of beauty and the timing of his runs are better than anyone else in European rugby. He tore Italy to pieces with his first, and that set the tone for the afternoon. His swallow-dives may incur the wrath of Martin Johnson, but nobody will begrudge the young man who seems to have a permanent smile on his face.  

13: Mike Tindall: 8
A wonderful all-round performance from the England captain. Often criticized for being little more than a defensive lump, he showed moments of class with ball in hand. He is leading the team well so far in this championship and he seems to be raising his game accordingly. He doesn't have the pace of Tait or the silky skills of Ollie Barkley but he still has the brains, strength and desire that he possessed in 2003. 

12: Shontayne Hape: 8
His best performance in an England shirt so far. His strength in the tackle and his ability to offload under pressure allowed England to explode into the spaces left by the sluggish Italian defence. Most would still like to see the return of British Lion (and New Zealander, obviously) Riki Flutey, but Hape is slowly winning over the critics. 

11: Mark Cueto: 8
The Sale man will be happier than anyone to have got himself on the score sheet after a drought of 19 matches without scoring for England. A player whose work ethic, aggression and bravery shine out in every performance, a try is the least he deserved after excellent performances in the November tests. Replaced by Banahan earlier than he would have liked, it will be interesting if his own try or Wayne Rooney's spectacular effort go in the Manchester United fan's scrapbook tonight. 


Banahan is a very different type of player, but did well after coming on. The Jersey giant is not the most popular choice of winger for England, but it is hard to argue that the man who genuinely looks like he belongs in Braveheart doesn't strike a tinge of apprehension into opposition defences. Also showed some real pace to get away from the attentions of Bergamasco to release Ashton for his final try. 


10: Toby Flood: 8
Another flashy performance from the England no.10. He seems to be finding more and more time on the ball, delivering it with more confidence and showing a turn of pace rarely seen from him in an England shirt. He is now THE England fly-half.

9: Ben Youngs: 6You know you haven't had your best game when Danny Care makes a positive impact upon his arrival. Youngs was threatening to overshadow the magical Will Genia as the most exciting young scrum-half on the planet late last year, but will want to stamp his authority in the next match to stop the current slide in form.

8: Nick Easter: 7 
Easter seems to be the most accurate barometer of England performances as number 8. There is wonderful balance in the England back-row at the moment and Easter is leading the pack with bear-like strength. 

7: James Haskell: 9
Haskell has never been shy in talking up his own abilities. The Stade Francais man seems to have a knack for irritating those around him and has courted controversy for his 'celeb' styling. However, today he showed that maybe he has some trousers to go with his mouth. Even though he couldn't pull off the audacious chip ahead midway through the second-half, his pace around the breakdown and his butterfly-soft hands were the fulcrum of all that was good about England. 

6: Tom Wood: 7 
Offers a lot around the park, and in the lineout. Not physically imposing compared to some of his European counterparts, he is industrious around the breakdown and a classic spoiler. He won't grab headlines like Haskell...then again, you never used to see Richard Hill until he shook your hand at the end of the game. The greats stay in the shadows. 


5: Tom Palmer: 8
Cemented his place in the England team with another dominant performance. He showed exquisite touches in attack and was completely in control at the line-out. His skills set really show how the role of the second-row is changing. Wade Dooley is still God, but you would never have seen the 'Blackpool Tower' do that. 

4: Louis Deacon: 5
Dependable both in the lineout and the scrum.  Still has somewhere to go to claim a right to partner Palmer in second row, however,  and even the Jurassic Park's own Simon Shaw offered more in the loose, despite being in dire need of comfy slippers and a Gloria Huniford pension scheme. 

3: Dan Cole: 9 

2: Dylan Hartley: 7

1: Alex Corbisiero: 9 & Man of the Match

Having already been told how wrong I was for my pathetic attempt at predicting the scoreline, I must also take some responsibility for becoming caught up in the hysteria surrounding Corbisiero's inclusion in the starting line up. Even the often sensational Martin Castro was totally subdued by a dominant performance by the English front row. 


Corbisiero may have been something of an unknown quality to many outside of London Irish, but he certainly showed that he is not going to be made to look silly at international level. One can look at the scoreline and dismiss the opposition. But this is an Italian team who came so close to beating Ireland, and have even managed to taught New Zealand a lesson or two. He was tremendous in coping with Castrogiovanni and was a work-horse in the loose. 


To be rushed into the squad so quickly due to injuries, he was under a lot of pressure, but the young man took it all in his stride and is surely going to be given the start in next weeks game. The Italian took on the American-born Englishman with Italian heritage and lost. I'm sure there are some wonderful Godfather related analogies in there somewhere but Ill leave those to better journalists. Castro's sin-binning was simply the culmination of Corbisiero's efforts. 


Cole is another young success story. He is as mobile as he is strong, and although for a horrible moment, he appear to be breaking the fundamental rules of rugby by almost scoring in the corner, the correct order of things was restored as he went back to out-performing one of the most experienced props in Europe. 


Steve Thompson should be applauded for simply making it out onto the field. Hartley once again showed why he starts for England with an excellent all round performance, but Thompson brings something rather special to the England team. As expected, he was brought on as a replacement for Mark Cueto (not really), as the big man crashed around the field with gay abandon. 


Him and Hartley seem to work well as a rotating unit, with Thompson still pushing forward in a career that has seen his 2003 partners-in-crime Trevor Woodman and Phil Vickery succumb to injury. 


Special Mention. 


While it takes 15 players to make up a rugby team, it seems that the vast majority of the Italian team believe they are on a SAGA holiday. Sergio Parisse could play no.10 for Italy and still be world-class. He is omnipotent and ever-present and quite possibly the most complete rugby player on the planet. 


Forget being an Astronaut. When I grow up, I want to be Sergio Parisse..just pray I'm born in Stockport.