Learning Outcomes, Fancy Dancing, and Curious George

So the Rugby World Cup is under way, and after some woeful PA work and a weird little moment between a stomach-achingly cute child and Jonah Lomu in full pimp suit, The All Blacks began the start of their doomed campaign to win a World Cup after a 24 year wait. Tongan turned up in all their fancy-haired splendor with the sole intention of  shoulder-charging their way around the field showing off their massive bad-ass tattoos.

These are just the cheerleaders...

 The rest of the Rugby World was glued to the screen, hoping and praying to see THIS happen to one Daniel William Carter. Only with the bonus features of broken fibulas and tibias all over the chip shop.


Unfortunately, the closest came in the second half, after a quite wonderful hospital pass by one of the interchangeable Franks brothers. The world held its breath as a something that looked vaguely human descended on Carter, but the slippery little weasel soon dusted himself down and orchestrated New Zealand to a 41-10 win over a Tongan side who will leave Eden Park having given a solid account for themselves. .

Choke-o-meter rating of 10

The manner of the victory, however, is unlikely to reduce the pressure on the All Blacks. The ubiquitous Choke-O-Meters, which are infecting every single rugby-related article in every sodding newspaper around the world, will not swing back towards "Breathing Easily" any time soon. In fact, given the NZ Herald, a newspaper so spectacularly critical that instead of the hilarious scale of "4 inch Chubby" all the way to "Debbie Does Dallas" (I'm not putting in a hyperlink, lets be serious here) on the Choke scale, they have gone for a a hangman's noose as the most extreme point on the Choke-O-Meter. 


Add this to the fact that coach Graham Henry was recently named 6th on their list on Public Enemies, and you have a climate of "win or die" only matched by some of these mental stories of parental expectation. Once again, they go into the tournament as the number one side in the world, and heads will certainly roll if they don't come back with the ultimate prize. Look at what happened last time for Christ's sake....

I feel sorry for these blokes. Players shouldn't have to say things like "I let my nation down", unless you do something like sell missile secrets to the Taliban, conduct yourself like an mob of English tourists in the middle of Amsterdam. To be honest though, I quite enjoyed Doug Howlett's apology... Its even better if you imagine he is saying sorry for the 2007 Quarter Final and not for a drunken, car-smashing night of awesomeness.


You would have thought that beating Tonga by 31 points would be enough for the opening game of a nervy campaign. After all, England started their 2007 tournament with a humiliating loss to South Africa and a very real fear of going out in the group stages. And we know how that one turned out.


Oh and while we are on the subject. Yes, I feel sorry for the All Blacks who felt like they had to apologize to a load of sofa-bound, crisp-munching tossers who hadn't lifted one finger to help the cause in 2007. But if you are going to whinge about Wayne Barnes and a forward pass, please bear this in mind.

I know you read this blog, Graham, so in the interests of you not being hung, drawn, quartered and being laid out on show in the middle of Auckland. here are some things you might need to work on; 


1. All Black kicking from hand was woeful and the chase was arguably even worse. You put ball down the throat of someone who plays for Nottingham in the Championship, that's one thing. 

You put that sort of ball into the hands of Habana, Medard, and even guitar-bothering Ben Foden, and don't even bother running after it,  then you are going to end up with egg all over your face. Major culprits were Israel Dagg and, surprisingly, The Boy Wonder himself. 


2. The Tongans pretty much had a scrum, and not a whole lot else. But they held their ground, deserved a penalty try for their efforts, and sent a clear message to the rest of the top-level nations. The All-Blacks are weak at the coal-face.

"Why do the scrums keep collapsing?!"

 In the 8 minute farce, the responsibility of which lies directly on the head of George Clancy, the All Blacks couldn't cope with the power from the Tongan front row and the Brothers Franks did their best puppy-dog eyes impressions and somehow got away with pulling a scrum down time after time because they couldn't cope with the shove. After their balls-out destruction of the Scottish scrum in the Six Nations, the French will be clinking their vino glasses and rubbing their hands together in stereotypical Gallic glee. Even England, who given their track record of opening game disaster, are likely to play the AB's in the Quarters, wouldn't loss sleep over their performance in the tight. 




3. Stop fucking cheating! I saw you! Yes, you! Diving on the ball, lying on the wrong side and generally playing the game like the love child of  Roy Keane and Hansie Cronje. Little George wasn't going to ping you up on it, it being such a special day for you and all. But seriously, you will have to stop at some point. The next time Christophe Berdos takes charge, I can imagine a slightly different outcome!


So there you have it. A three-point guide to instant World Cup success.


Now, I will be missing the England v Argentina game tomorrow as I am spending 6 hours on a coach down to London Town in order to catch whatever is left of the free stuff going around. I expect nobody to contact me with the scores and I shall try and spend my days performing a bad remake of The Likely Lads until I can get to a TV and watch the highlights. I will keep you posted on how that goes. 


Kia Ora!